What I learned today.

I realized something, and that is the fact that I’m responsible in some way or another for just about everything that has happened to me in my life. For example, I graduated from high school well over a year ago and am now working the same retail job, without a license, and feeling completely miserable about it. That has been my choice since I haven’t done anything to change it. Dropping out of college when I finally gained full acceptance, not to mention a student loan and bursaries on top of it all, might not have been the best idea.
Another example: I’m suddenly lacking a relationship after close to 3 years of being with the same person. That could possibly have something to do with me shoving him out the door and slamming it on his face. Granted, I only did that because I was sensing (correctly) his plan to cheat on me. It still didn’t do anything to help my situation, before that I’d hardly so much as raised my voice at him.
And so with this realization, I will stop dwelling on the past and blaming others for my lack of satisfaction. I’m not going to let my art suffer just because I’d rather lay in bed and pity myself all day, because if it wasn’t for these particular events I wouldn’t have discovered it in the first place. From here on out I will leave the past where it belongs, consider the consequences of my actions, and make good decisions. Starting…..NOW.

I think I’m going to be moving over to deviantART because I’ve been really slacking on the blogging lately, and I like posting pictures. SO if anyone is interested my account is http://t-o-x-i-c.deviantart.com/ . I would have made it girlfight to make it less confusing but apparently I already made an account 5 years ago, so I stuck with the old one.

Just a typical Friday night…

Which happened to involve a limo, drug dealers, and a guy who believed he was made of Titanium. I just hope he didn’t try testing that theory.

It started last weekend when my sister ran into an old college friend while we were at a bar. This friend – who, as I’m told, is a “devoutly Christian former drug addict” – invited my sister and I to go out with her and some friends because they were renting a limo. We weren’t too sure what kind of friends these were, but neither of us had ever been in a limo so we figured what the hell, lets do it.

The night started out innocently enough. We invited a couple other people over for pre-drinks at her apartment and started getting ready. Then we waited..and drank..and waited..and drank..and nobody showed up. Needless to say we were not impressed. Since we were already dressed up and pretty drunk at that point, we decided we had to go out to avoid being losers who sit at home and drink alone on a Friday night, but as we’re stumbling out of her apartment the limo suddenly pulled up in front of us.

The limo itself was awesome. It was a 14 passenger stretch hummer with the bar, music, lights; all that crap that limos are supposed to have I guess. There were only 9 of us in it, so there was plenty of room for everyone to crawl around and do all sorts of crazy shit that always resulted in drinks being spilled on me. The limo passengers were my sister’s college friend, a girl with an accent (spanish I think), a girl who didn’t talk much, one guy who thought he was spiderman or something, another guy who was convinced he was made of Titanium and desperately wanted to wear my glasses, and the last guy who paid for everything, I’m 99% sure that he is a drug dealer because a) he’s from up North, b) he paid for the limo for all of us, and c) the first thing he did was offer me any drugs I wanted. He looked a bit like Quentin Tarantino.

After driving around for who knows how long, we finally stopped at a club and got out. Tarantino had the driver talk to one of the bouncers and we got into the club no line, no cover. We were only supposed to stay at that club for a half hour, but it seemed like we were dancing for a lot longer than that. After a while we had enough of being being groped, humped, and flipped (literally, Tarantino did some crazy move and flipped Erin in a full circle) by these people who were clearly high off their asses, so we decided to get the hell out of there. We snuck out the back when nobody was looking, caught a cab to the club we originally had planned to go to when nobody showed up, and danced the rest of the night away.

THE END.

I wish I could tell this story better but the truth is I completely suck at writing right now. I’ve been so uninspired for the last…ever..that I’ve gotten rusty.

Not to mention I was pretty drunk and a lot of the details are a bit foggy.

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Out of the mouthes of…idiots.

“You’re the only girl I’ve ever loved, I still love you. We’re prob. gonna get married, I’m sorry, for this I’m getting drunk…but yeah I’ll leave it for a couple years…”

Ohhh dear. My response was “If you want to talk about this, talk to me when you’re sober”. I’ll put $1000 on him getting so drunk that he “forgets” he said it. I love how the way he typed it makes it sound like he’s apologizing for the fact that we’re apparently going to get married. That’s probably the way he sees it. A negative thing. Something he has no control over.

I went out and bought myself a present (late break-up – yes I get myself break-up presents – or early birthday, whichever works) last week. I’ve always been into photography but I’m incredibly cheap so it’s taken be a while to convince myself to buy a decent camera. However I’ve also gotten into scrapbooking lately (another insanely expensive hobby), so my logic is that if I want a decent scrapbook I have to take decent pictures. So $830.00 later I finally own the camera I’ve been drooling over for a couple years now, a Canon Rebel XSi. Okay, its actually a couple steps lower than the one I wanted but I wasn’t willing to break into the 4 digit price range.

So of course as promised, I’ll post some of the shitty awesome pictures I’ve taken so far. I’ve also decided to take up drawing as a hobby so I’ll post some of my even shittier more awesome sketches for your viewing pleasure.

The Host by Stephenie Meyer.

I just finished reading this book last night and I have to say I’m disappointed. Before I hate on Stephenie Meyer I should say that I did really like the story line, it’s definitely original. It takes place in a time where the world has been invaded by a species of aliens, or “souls”, who use the human’s bodies as “hosts”. One host, Melanie, refuses to give up her mind to a soul, Wanderer, and Wanderer begins to sympathize and pretty much become human.

What bothered me about the book is that there were so many parallels between The Host and the Twilight series, I found myself picturing Bella instead of Wanderer/Melanie half the time. The characters are both incredibly self sacrificing, stubborn, and in love with TWO people they shouldn’t be in love with (both of whom aren’t even their own species). Also, while the descriptions of the other worlds/species were definitely interesting, the names could have been a bit more original and less…childish? But that’s just me being picky. If I hadn’t read the Twilight series first, I probably would have liked it a lot more. It’s my kind of book — romance with a little bit of science fiction. Regular human romance bores me to death for some reason ahah.

To sum it up — the story was good, the writing was decent, but the characters could have been more original. Regardless, it’s a must read if you’re a fan of Stephenie Meyer or her romance/sci-fi style of writing.

PS. I’m sick right now so this is all I can bring myself to do. If I decide to get out of bed tomorrow I’ll try to post some pictures and whatnot.

Babble babble, bitch bitch.

I wonder what I’ll write about when Eric finally decides to leave me alone, for real. He’s a good 80% of my material. Our relationship is so backwards. Right now I should be the one begging him for attention and he should be the one considering a restraining order. I guess our relationship has hardly ever been what you would call normal. Relationships like ours tend to end in…crimes of passion. I know I’ve wanted to at least trash his car on more occasions than I can count.

At this point I’m completely unphased by the conversation we had last night about all the girls he’s hooked up with since we broke up. That kind of thing would have deeply upset me a year ago. Now all I can do is laugh and realize how expected of him that kind of behaviour is. He even thinks its funny that all these girls know the kind of guy he is and still want to go out with him. I have to admit, I probably would too — even now — which is why I’m not letting him get anywhere near me. He’s smooth. Slimy is probably a better way of putting it actually. I guess it’s bound to go to your head when you look like a cross between Zac Efron and Tom Welling. Mmmm. Dammit.

But at least I can pride myself on the fact that I’ve been the only girl who could tie him down for more than a few weeks. So HAH.  They may be sleeping with him, but I’m still the only one who’s ever really had him. Me > skanks.

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This quote just struck me.

As I was googling descriptions of Sagittarius, I came across this.

You would rather learn on your own and probably dislike structured classrooms and routine work. However, after you gain experience in the world on your own, you could become an excellent teacher or administrator!

I was also using the idea that nobody with as little real-life experience as me has any business being a teacher anyway. Hm.

Life is too short for wasting time.

I have such a hard time posting lately (and by lately I mean the past 6 months or so) and I don’t know why. It’s not a lack of things to write about, that’s for sure. I almost have so many thoughts and things to say bouncing around in my head that I don’t know where to start. It’s been piling up so much that I couldn’t be bothered with it anymore. BUT I feel like I might be letting down those two or three people who actually read this, so I promise I’m going to start again.

It has now been 87 days without Eric. I’m not keeping track, I swear, I just counted for the sake of this blog. I never imagined that I would feel this good about it. I’m reclaiming the pieces of myself that I left behind – uninentionally, because I would never willingly change for anyone other than myself – and I’m really happy with where things are going right now, for the most part. We still talk occasionally, much to my annoyance. He likes to text me at random times asking completely pointless questions like “did you get that storm last weekend?”. Well considering I live 15 minutes away from you…

I finally pointed out that since he’s the one who initiated the break-up, he shouldn’t be the one trying to start conversations with me all the time. His response: “You’re surprised that after almost 3 years I would still want to talk to you once in a while?”. Why yes, after being cheated on and told that he was no longer “interested” in me, I am a bit surprised that suddenly he’s interested in what’s going on in my life. As over our relationship as I am, I’ll admit it is nice to hear from him sometimes, despite how much in infuriates me at the same time.

Mark showed up at work the other day to buy a mattress. He called me the day before to let me know he was coming, and naturally I made myself look like an idiot without having to even look him in the eyes. Our conversation was going so good, aside from the fact that I continuously cut him off in an effort to get my words out before I thought too much about what I was saying. It was a good strategy but it betrayed me in the end. I should mention first that he had quit about a week before, so he’s currently unemployed. Our conversation ended like this…

M: Alright, well I’ll see you tomorrow then..have a good–

V: YEAH you too!

M: –day at work. Uhh..okay bye.

I lose all ability to think and form coherent sentences when I’m under his influence. It’s the perfect infatuation. Slightly brought down by the fact that there is a 99% chance it will never lead anywhere, but that just might make it better as well. Sighhh.

After applying for college, being accepted, submitting applications for bursaries, and being approved for a student loan…I have decided I’m not ready to go back to school yet. I still have the same plans for my future, but I feel like I should be using my best years to do the things I wont be as able to do later in life. Partying, traveling, enjoying life as much as I can is now my plan for the next two or three years. Carpe Diem is my new motto (but I will not get it tatooed anywhere on my body). This time is dedicated to myself and my own happiness entirely, and I plan on staying single as long as possible. I don’t need any guys getting in my way right now. Even if I wait three years, I’ll only be 21 when I back to school and 25 when I graduate and begin teaching. I’ve got tons of time. I know it sounds a bit stupid to say I want take a few years to be irresponsible and selfish while I can, but in my defense I had an extremely lame high school experience. I’m  just doing what I can to avoid a mid-life crisis.